It’s interesting that children came up as a topic for writing this month on The Alchera Project, as it’s something I think about a lot, and something I’ve been wanting to write about for a while. Here you have it:

Children.

I don’t want them. You’d think that would be a good enough reason not to have them, right? But I’m 28 years old, married to a man with a stable income, well-off financially, and a homeowner. Apparently a lot of people, my husband included, think that just not wanting kids isn’t good enough. To these people, having kids is the default. It’s just what you do. Get a degree, get a job, get married, get a house–check, check, check, check. Life as a checklist. It’s expected that you’ll regret it if you don’t spawn while the time (your body) is ripe. This decision is way too important and affects way too many people’s lives to be based on the default solution or other people’s opinions.

If not wanting kids isn’t a good enough reason not to have kids, you’d think that depression would be a good enough reason. I have serious, treatment-resistant depression, so bad that I can hardly take care of myself. This depression seems to have a strong genetic component, given that my biological mother, her mother, and my biological siblings all suffer from the disease (I am adopted). How could I take care of a kid when I can’t even take care of myself? Is it fair to bring a kid into this world when there’s such a good chance of this kid having the same problems with depression that I have? Especially given that I wish my own biological mother hadn’t brought me into this world? And even if the kid, by some miracle of god, doesn’t inherit the depression, how will he or she deal with me as a depressed mother? My depression is also strongly affected by my sleep disorder, DSPS, or Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome, where your sleep cycle occurs at a later phase in the day than normal people’s. My biological siblings are also exhibiting a tendency towards DSPS, and the DSPS started being a problem for me when I was around the age they are now, late teens. For me, DSPS has always meant that I can hold a “normal” schedule for a while, but doing so taxes my system and usually ends up making my depression worse. Anything that messes up my sleep makes my depression much, much worse. This combination of DSPS and depression has made it extremely difficult for me to get a degree and impossible for me to have a job. How would a kid figure into that equation?

Another major reason that it would be a bad idea for me to have a kid is that I have virtually no support network. I moved to Norway from the US around six years ago, but I’ve never really found my place here. It’s true that Norwegian society provides lots of services to pregnant women and families with young children (paid leave, child care), but those only go so far. Having kids is probably the most major life change a person ever undergoes, and I haven’t got the social network to get me through that change. My husband’s job is incredibly important to him–I cannot imagine him cutting back on his hours and extracurricular activities in order to help me with childrearing, especially since, from what I understand, his own father didn’t do so. My husband has family in the area, but they are either not close enough to us physically, not close enough to us socially, or just too busy with their own lives to provide me with the social support I’d need if I had a kid. And babysitters are virtually unheard of in this country. I imagine that if I had a kid, I’d be just as socially isolated as I am now (which is extremely), only with a lot more responsibility to bear.

None of this has even touched on the fact that I don’t even like kids that much. They’re fine when they belong to other people, in small doses, but generally I prefer not to be around them, especially when they’re pre-rational. And I’ve never felt the urge to have one myself. No ticking of the biological clock whatsoever. None of the things that go along with children appeal to me–birthday parties, colorful toys strewn about everywhere, snotty hugs, constant noise, school plays, etc. Having a dog is worth the trouble, cats were not, and kids are just unimaginable. Please don’t misunderstand me–I haven’t got anything against people who like, want, or have kids. It’s just not a lifestyle that appeals to me.

Personal reasons aside, having kids is a terrible thing to do to the environment. Go ahead and do it if it’s a driving urge (as it is for most people), but if you don’t specifically want them, it seems to me to be the height of irresponsibility to bring more humans into this world. Overpopulation is a big enough problem in and of itself, without even considering the footprint each and every human being leaves on this planet in terms of things like trash and pollution. I see no reason to contribute to the planet’s problems just so I can be like everybody else.

My parents have been really good about not pressuring me to reproduce, something that I really appreciate. My in-laws haven’t been as good. My husband doesn’t want a kid now, but expects he will want one in the future, and has expressed that he would look upon my accidentally getting pregnant as “an opportunity”. It seems to me that the great majority of reasons people give for why they want to reproduce are selfish. They want someone to love, someone to love them, something to keep the marriage together, something that will allow them to prove that they are adults, they want to be like their friends, this is just what you do, another check off the list. But for me, a decision where one person’s autonomy and another’s whole existence must be balanced against another person’s desire to reproduce is never going to be simple.